Assalamualaikum. Setelah hampir 3 tahun tinggal kan blog ni, I'm finally back. Saje nak update kat sini cause my personal blog ramai dah tahu link. So, yeah. Only here I can spill my words out. Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. Semester 2 has started 2 months ago. Alhamdulillah, i feel so much better about studies now. More comfortable. Dulu selalu macam nak terasa bila makan sorang, buat benda semua sorang but now, rasa lagi best kut. Dah tak kisah pun kalau kena makan sorang, pi kelas sorang semua. Yeay, Anis did it! Cause this year I purposely choose classes yang more Chinese and Indians than Malays. Why ? I feel more comfortable since dah terbiasa dari high school kelas lagi ramai Indians and Chinese.
Oh and this semester same class with one of my standard 3 classmate which I have never talked to masa primary school dulu. The reason why we're currently in the same class is because we chose to be in the same class. But only for one subject. Supposedly two but I want to end my classes early so we get to be in only one class. We never talked in college before accept for certain things macam studies and exams. Contact pun through Twitter since we don't have each other's number before this until that one day where my English lecturer of semester 1 wanted to have class party and I decided to bake banana cake. Uploaded the banana cake photo and he commented, 'deliver few pieces to level 3' His staying at level 3 while I'm at level 6. So, the next day, brought the cake to college and wanted to give him some. Couldn't contact his Twitter and I've no choice other than to ask my friend for his number. That was the first time I called him. Unfortunately, he has left the college to catch the bus back to his house. And I promised to give him the cake the coming week. Since then, we're quite close, helping each other during the exams and so on yet again we never meet or talk in college.
For me, I don't have the problem to talk to him or anyone else in college but the fact that he's always surrounded by his friends buat I jadi bertambah segan and entah, macam ada rasa sesuatu yang sangat pelik. He's the first friend yang I kenal for my course. First day pun memang tak kenal siapa except dia. So, at that time I told myself, at least I know one friend yang I could ask for help if I have to do so.
To make it short, last semester break was the time when we became quite close till we decide to choose the same class for this one particular subject. Almost everyday communicate through Twitter. If not Twitter, texting on the phone. We had semester break from early till late December last year. Our results were released end of November. I didn't get straight HD. Only one HD, the rests close to HD. His results were not that good that he lost his mood, was so down that night. As I always do to my other friends - I talked to him, try to listen to his words, try to lift his spirit up, motivate him to work harder. Few days later he went to Penang to see his friends. Well, I just hope that could release his stress. And he did. I flew to Langkawi with my family for a vacation later on. Knowing that he loves cars so much, I asked him if he wanted me to buy anything from Langkawi the night before. So, he listed few cars that he wants. The night I was in Langkawi, I crossed over his tweet about Singapore and randomly asked if he wanted to go for a trip to Singapore and he answered yes. While I was in Langkawi, I tried to search for the cars that he wanted, but I couldn't find any of them till the day I'm leaving for KL. I was waiting and reading my novel at the airport when mum, dad and siblings went for window shopping and mum told me, "There's one shop sells the cars that you want." I straight away walked to the shop, grabbed the cars and meet mum who was having dinner. That was the time mum asked me, "Who wants the car?" I replied, "******, my college friend. the only one yang I quite close."Mum didn't say anything after that cause mum knows I don't have many Malay guy friends. I have less than 10 Malay guy friends yang close.
When I came back, that week was the week we're supposed to register for our classes in semester 2. We had to be fast or else the classes that we wanted would be full. I had problems accessing the web that I had to ask him if he can access it. He could but I couldn't. He asked me to refresh, I tried many times still couldn't. Waiting, waiting and waiting then he randomly asked, "Do you want to be in the same class with me?" "Yeah, can" I said. I said so cause I don't him to think I sombong or anything else. We arranged the schedule together and we chatted on Facebook. He asked me why I don't want to be in the same class with him for Maths and I told him my reasons. We exchanged stories that night till about 5 am. I was supposed to sleep as I had to travel down South to JB in the morning to attend my nephew's weeding. While chatting, he ate his supper and I packed my luggage. When I told him to finish his meal while I pack my things, he asked where am I going. Later, he asked, what time am I leaving, why don't I go to sleep. Without thinking anything I answered to all his questions. At the same time, my heart says, "he's kinda nice" for asking such questions. Tu je, tak rasa apa pun. Cause I'm the type yang susah nak rasa macam "awww.. suka la orang mcm ni.." Yes, that's me. Susah. Not easily melted by words uttered by a guy.
Then semester 2 starts. Before masuk kelas tu hati berdebar semacam je. Makin dekat nak masuk kelas, makin laju. I was trying to calm myself down. Takkan nak pergi cakap dekat kawan kan. Malu woii. Malu. Sepanjang 1 jam 15 minit dalam kelas tu, woish rasa tak boleh nafas. Entah apehal. Tak pernah kut macam tu. And that still happen till now! Every time nak masuk kelas yang sama mesti debar tu datang, rasa dada sesak gila, pastu habis kelas, terus macam lega, boleh nafas dengan sempurna balik. Pelik kut rasa. Plus, his friends pun in the same class. I'm the only Malay girl in the class. Nasib ada this one Chinese girl yang lama lama kita orang jadi close. Kalau takda this girl confirm lagi terus sesak dada.
Ada hari tu, Menteri Pengajian Tinggi came to our class for Gound Breaking Ceremony. Before the minister balik, we the scholars were asked to line up and greet the minister. I was standing next to my friends whereas he was standing at the other side with his friends. As you know me, I kan tak reti nak tunggu lama lama without doing anything. So, I go intai here and there, mundar mandir then suddenly he pun look at the side where I walked back and forth. After few minutes, his friend came to me, "Anis, sini sat." Without questioning, I followed him. Stopped and looked at his face, was wanting to ask him 'Why?' when he looked at me. But entah masa tu tak keluar sepatah kata pun. Shivering. Another guy said, "Tolong ambil gambar guna iPod." I took their photo. Then the guy who called me earlier said, "Jap, guna pula mobile phone I pula." I did. I passed the phone and this guy who called me earlier quoted, "Tak nak ambil gambar dengan *****, ke ?" I didn't replied, he didn't say anything and I walked back to the place where I supposed to stand. At the same time, I was wondering why did his friend asked me that ? How did he or maybe the rest of the boys know we always contact each other when we have never talked in college before. The girls on the other hand always says, "Anis you like him is it ?" Truth is, no. I don't. It's hard for me to fall in love again. It's hard for me to trust a person apa lagi a guy after ada yang cakap I psycho. I'm not a psycho. I just want a sincere relationship.
Up till today, whenever I need to talk to him or he needs to talk to me, we'll communicate through Twitter or Facebook IM or message only. Boleh kira dengan jari berapa kali I talk to him face to face. Dulu kalau jumpa pun senyum je. Now, nak senyum or pandang muka pun rasa macam arghhhh, tak boleh. Pelik sangat. I try to smile tapi tak boleh. Entah. Haih, macam mana nak pergi trip nanti. :/ Cuma sekarang du'a je supaya tak rasa sesak dada lagi, supaya boleh senyum balik macam dulu. Senyum kan sedekah ? :) I just hope that he wouldn't feel uncomfortable when I'm around. Maybe one day I shall explain this to him. Hope he would understand. I'm not trying to avoid him or anything but I just couldn't look at his eyes. I think that's all. Wassalam.
*I wrote this supaya rasa lega sikit. Tadi rasa sesak dada bila tiba tiba he texted and I tweeted him after a week tak communicate. Kenapa aku rasa begini, Ya Allah? Beri aku petunjuk.*
faris, zahin& 
